Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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