a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
