i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
