Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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