careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
