the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
