In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The air taste purple.
Randomize
