proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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