is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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