How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm sobbing to NWA
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
