it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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