I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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