My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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