Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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