I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
