there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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