He uses pillows to masturbate.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
