Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
