I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
