Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
