My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Farmville is her only friend.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
