just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
