a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I need to align my fucking chakras
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
