i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
