sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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