Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
