theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
