I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
how does that bad decision feel?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
