Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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