When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
