So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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