I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
