Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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