my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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