Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
