Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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