My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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