Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
