Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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