So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
