I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
