life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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