I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
