Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
