I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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