The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I woke up under a house in Key West
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