im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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