If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
