I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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