She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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