Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
