she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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