He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
