I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
