There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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