I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
