what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
