that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
