I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize