can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
